Sunday, June 20, 2010

Today Has Been OK

Emiliana Torrini has a song titled "Today Has Been OK," and lately I feel like that's been my life. Granted before May 26th my life was boring, but it was good. Since May 26th it's been OK. A friend passes away, what do you do? Some days will be good, and then night comes and I'm left in bed thinking... thinking is no good. I mean, I guess it's gotten better. For the first two weeks I would wake up and count the hours until I could go back to sleep. Now at least I don't go through the day waiting for night to come so I can go back to dreamlands where he might be there alive waiting for me. Nighttime is still the worst, though.

I thought it was getting better, but early Friday morning I had a meltdown and just laid in bed crying, and when I stopped crying I had a headache, and then I was angry because I had a headache and couldn't get to sleep, and I cried to God. I still have no answers from Him. Probably because my questions were selfish. On the bright side, today has been ok (of course, it's only 2am, so today hasn't had a chance to go downhill)

I realize I should be all “count it all joy when you fall into various trials” and stuff, and I’m trying, but it’s not exactly easy to be joyful that my friend is freaking dead! And it’s not easy to not talk about it for fear of ruining people’s happy moods. Other than my mom, I don’t really talk to anyone about how I’m feeling because I’m not going to be the one to be like “Yeah, that was a hilarious joke, and by the way I feel like crap because my friend is dead.” And then people can be like “Thanks Hollie, way to be a joy kill.”?

I know usually my blogs have some sort of insulting point to them, but I’m just venting right now, so get over it.

There are just some people in life that are easy for most anyone to befriend and open up to. Those people should never die, especially not young. It’s sad that anyone should die, but people like my friend dying is a tragedy. I’ve thought why not one of my others friends? Why not me? Out of all the billions of people in the world why the heck was the one person who was freaking loved by everyone the one who had to die?! I’m pretty sure it would have been less tragic if I had died, even. I did not touch as many lives as him by a long shot.

No, I don’t want to die, and I don’t want my friends to die. I’m just trying to understand why we are alive and he isn’t. I know people die all the time, too, but this is the first time I’ve ever had a close friend pass away. It’s not really something one learns how to deal with in school. Although now that I think about it, why isn’t there a Grief 101 course? Sure everyone deals with it differently, but it’d still be nice to know what thoughts are normal and which aren’t and stuff. Stupid American schools.

And oy vey with the haywire emotions. The other day my dad said I couldn’t drive him to Wal-Mart, and I had to leave the room before I started crying. I was watching Ernest one day, and I started tearing up while watching the movie. Ernest! Who cries while watching Ernest? Really? It’s kind of funny to think of now, but on the Saturday after May 26th my little brother ate my bag of Twizzlers my dad had bought me as comfort food, and I pretty much blew up at my brother, and then I went to my room to sit in anger as I tried not to cry. I obviously wasn’t angry about the Twizzlers, but it was a way to let out some emotion. Of course, I try to hide most of my emotional spill-overs, because I don’t want my family being uber-nice to me just because I lost a friend. That would probably be worse. I’d rather they treat me normal. Life isn’t normal though. I don’t know when it will be. Another month from now? 6 months? A year? Why don’t people have timelines for this?

I don’t know. I could go on writing for paragraphs more, so I'll stop. Kudos if you read through that whole ramble. It's really long and rambly.

"...all the same I miss you. Today has been ok. Today has been ok."

4 comments:

  1. To say it can be rough to lose such a close friend is a gross understatement. I've seen many lives broken by the loss of a friend as close as Matthew was to you...and I can't even say it's wrong. I mean, there's a time for grief, and who's to say how long that time is? I'd say the closer one is to the departed, the longer. Eventually the grief will end, though.

    That's not a bad thing at all. Like, it's not lessening the memory of Matthew to no longer grieve. I mean, (and I know this isn't necessarily a fair comparison) I wouldn't say I'm still grieving, but there are definitely times when I really miss him. I feel like xat is incomplete without his wisdom and witticisms. I feel like there's suddenly a void on MyPraize which will never be quite filled. It's just harder when he was someone you'd turn to for so much.

    I, personally, had just started talking to him on a more personal level, so that's like a whole relationship that kinda went before it could start lol.

    But yeah...I'd say, if grief were a math formula, G = (C x A) / T, where G is how long you grieve, C is how close you were, A is how awesome they were, and T is the amount of time you knew them. Unfortunately, they haven't really invented units to measure these factors yet.

    In short, you aren't alone in missing him.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hx5Y9DhoLJQ

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  2. whoa. That is totally weird. I've been listening to Never Let Go on repeat for like the past 30 minutes or so, and then I click on that link, and hello, Never Let Go. Thanks.

    One time I stayed up late on xat, and I didn't even realize until after I logged out that I had been staying late just waiting for Matthew to log in. That was a pretty crappy realization.

    I know I'm not alone in missing him, but it's good to hear... in a weird, sort of twisted way.

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  3. So I was lying in bed trying (unsuccessfully) to fall asleep, and so my brain decided to start thinking instead of shutting down so I could sleep. And the comment you made about how you lost a deeper relationship with Matthew before it could even start came to mind, and I realized "wow, that really sucks." I guess it didn't sink in the first time I read it. In any case, I'm really sorry you have to deal with that.

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  4. What can I say? The pain will fade eventually, but you may never be through with the what-ifs and whys. For soothing those, you'll always have a thousand joyful memories of him.

    I'm still thinking about him every day. The little things he said mostly, and all his funny quirks. It's like my mind is painting a portrait to hang in the halls of my memory.

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